How (not) to skive school.

Most of the time, like most children my age, I hated school. Whilst I was a good boy and would not skive off the traditional manner by hanging round the shops or going to the park, when I wanted a day off school I would do my utmost to find a way to legitamize my skiving by faking illness. At least if I could convince my parents I should stay at home, I could watch TV and play computer games. My mother did not fall for the 'rubbing talcum powder into my face to make me look pale' technique, so I found something better: self-induced diarrhoea.

I am guessing I was around six years old at the time and my memory is vague, so I am not certain about how I came to formulate this plan but I do wonder what must have gone through my mind. Do you remember Fairy Liquid bottles as they were in the early 1980s? Rather than the nice small bottles that we have today, they were much larger long straight white bottles with a removable cap which when removed left an opening into the bottle about the same size as a modern five pence piece. The size of the neck of the bottle was key to my plan.

I took a Fairy Liquid bottle, removed the cap, and filled the bottle with warm water. Squatting in the bath with my trousers and pants lying on the bathroom floor, with one had I parted my cheeks and with the other I gently inserted the neck of the Fairy Liquid bottle into my rear-end. As I gently squeezed the bottle I felt the warm water rush into my rectum. Strangely enough, I remember the feeling to this day, and I enjoyed it somewhat. It surprised my how much water my arse could hold. As a side note, it seems strange typing this knowing that I was doing this as such a young child.

Everything I did next was carried out clenching my anus as tightly as I could. Carrying seemingly more water than a camel, I stashed the Fairy Liquid bottle, put my pants and trousers back around my ankles, sat on the toilet and let the water gush into the bowl. It was a thin, frothy, very pale-brown soup. And there was lots of it. All over the bowl. I called my mother, complained of a sore stomach, and showed her my 'diarrhoea'.

I don't really remember what happened next, but after recently confessing to my mother what had caused the diarrhoea she filled me in on the details. She drove me to our local doctor. The doctor referred me to the hospital. We went to the hospital and saw a doctor who also could not diagnose the symptoms. I left a stool sample (they needed to check for certain bacteria or disease) but they could not find anything wrong with me. The symptoms never returned, strangely enough.

I am typing this story as it is perhaps the earliest memory I have of me behaving in an abnormal way with faeces. My other half even wonders if this was the start of my inappropriate shit-related antics. Whilst it certainly got me a day off school, I didn't get to spend the day how I had planned. To be honest, I may has well have gone to school. Don't try this at home, kids.